truth

All posts tagged truth

May 27th, 2017-Uncertainties

Published May 28, 2017 by jillamatt

***Jill’s ‘letting go’ Diary***

This is part of a series of posts (ordered by Dated Titles) where I am recording my thoughts and emotions as we tackle getting rid of all of our possessions.  From the day that I came up with this idea, to sell everything and travel the world, I have recorded my thoughts on certain days where I feel like writing.  These are real time, and not edited (except for grammatical corrections.) 

It’s hard to believe that it has almost been a month since my last post. Time has been slipping by like a river, flowing all around us, but simultaneously, sweeping us downstream with it.

We are being carried along by the river.  Like we are just robots in motion, with something else guiding us and pushing us along.

My mind is on auto pilot. Constant lists run through my head:

  • Things we need to finish on the house before we list it for sale. (I’m currently drywalling my kitchen, that we are still obviously using. FUN TIMES!)
  • Things we need to get rid of. (Another yard sale is coming up on June 3rd.)
  • Things we want to do before we leave.
  • Places we want to visit, friends we want to see and connect with, one last time before we go.
  • Things we want to give to specific people before we go.

These thoughts, and many more like them, race through my head all day, even as I continue to run my own business, which is just starting it’s very busy season.

_______

Just recently I have started to find myself fielding some pretty intense and interesting questions from people about what we are planning.  It’s almost like it is somehow starting to be real to people.  Like maybe, just maybe, they thought we were bluffing, but now it is actually happening.

I was asked the other night, around a campfire, “So how do you feel about the uncertainties?”

After processing the question for a second, I croaked out a very caught-off-guard and shaky “ooookaaaayyyyy.”  (I couldn’t have sounded more insincere if I had tried.)

This, of course, was met with giggles and comments around the fire like “that’s not sounding very sure”, & “ya doesn’t sound like it.”

Without hesitation, although slightly embarrassed by my response (not my typical stoic self), I said “Well yeah, of course I’m scared shitless.  I’m definitely scared, but many great things have been accomplished by people who have faced their fears.”

And it’s true.

The hilarious thing about my response to the question, I now realize, is that my response ITSELF was uncertain.

I thought about this question for days afterwards.   Being the psycho analyzer that I am (mostly of myself), it bothered me that I had had a response like that, so seemingly unsure, and I needed to do some deep thinking to explore how I really did feel about the uncertainties.

“How do you feel about the uncertainties?”

It’s such an interesting question, for starters.

How do any of us feel about uncertainties?

My Dictionary app defines Uncertain in these ways:

  1. not able to be relied on; not known or definite. (an uncertain future)
  2. (of a person) not completely confident or sure of something.
    “I was uncertain how to proceed”

I bet there are VERY few people who do not experience some sort of uncertainty in their every day lives. We all carry around some kind of worries about things that MAY OR MAY NOT play out in our futures. We all second guess our decisions, uncertain if we have made the right ones.

Nothing is guaranteed. 

Most of us move through life with some general idea of what may come in the future. Whether it be goals that we have, or dreams that we want to fulfill. As most people busily plan out the details of their future, they are unconsciously aware that our “plans” may or may not happen.

Nothing is CERTAIN.  

Uncertainty pertains to those people who live in places for many years and are comfortable with their surroundings, AND it pertains to those who choose to go traveling, and can find comfort in their surroundings in far off lands.   It really is not picky with whose mind it occupies.

When I was asked the question, in that moment, I think I took it as a question where you either answered A) I’m okay with the uncertainties, or B) I don’t like the uncertainties.  And without trying to sound like I am defending my shaky response, I did my deep thinking, and decided this;

Not liking uncertainty really has nothing to do with a decision such as this. A decision like the one we have made, to sell everything to go traveling, is EMBRACING uncertainty.   I’m not exactly saying that I ‘like’ uncertainty, but I’m willing to open my life up to it.

The uncertainty of this plan, is what makes it exciting. It’s what causes my heart to flutter in my chest when I picture myself in this new reality that we are creating for ourselves.

Living with uncertainties, can for some, be debilitating. But I believe that it’s what lies out there, AMONGST the uncertainties, that shapes us as people. It’s what keeps us on our toes. It’s what creates our character.

How we react to the uncertainties that hit us on a constant basis, is what makes us the people we are.

The more we can drag ourselves away from the certainties, the more we grow.  Period.

And so, I am now ready to answer the question properly.

How do I feel about the uncertainties?

I say “BRING ‘EM ON!”

** Thanks for reading!  This is part of a larger group of blog posts about us letting go of all of our possessions to go traveling.  If you would like to read from the beginning, click here.**

To learn about where I have previously traveled, click here.

To see my blog post menu, click here.

It's how we embrace the uncertainty - Quote

When nothing is sure, everything is possible

April 5, 2017 – Plans and Planning

Published April 5, 2017 by jillamatt

***Jill’s ‘letting go’ Diary***

This is part of a series of posts (ordered by Dated Titles) where I am recording my thoughts and emotions as we tackle getting rid of all of our possessions.  From the day that I came up with this idea, to sell everything and travel the world, I have recorded my thoughts on certain days where I feel like writing.  These are real time, and not edited (except for grammatical corrections.) 

PLAN:
1. a scheme or method of acting, doing, proceeding, making, etc., developed in advance: battle plans.
2.a specific project or definite purpose: plans for the future.

It constantly amazes me at how wrapped up I get in plans.  It’s the ultimate clue that I am simply NOT living in the moment, if I am constantly thinking and worrying about the future.

With our upcoming departure from Canada, looming on the horizon, I find myself completely overwhelmed (there’s that word again) with all the things that need to be done before we go.  We still need to sell more stuff, clear the clutter, finish renovating the kitchen and sell the house.

It seems like a monumental list of things to do, and I find the more I think about the overall picture, the more I get totally stuck.  I’m forever trying to remind myself that slow and steady wins the race.

I’ll be quite honest here, I dam near burnt myself out a couple weeks ago.  It wasn’t a full face plant, but I think I caught it just in time, before I completely collapsed under the utter exhaustion of it all.  Here I was bragging about my stealthy selling skills ( see my blog post about Overwhelm.  Hello??  That should have been a warning!) and how I was in overdrive coordinating all of my pick ups and drop offs of stuff everyday,  not too mention being constantly on facebook posting items to sell and making sure that what was purchased was deleted etc. etc. etc.  Meanwhile, my adrenals were screaming at me to take a break and relax a little, or a LOT!

I finally collapsed one evening and laid down on the couch, utterly exhausted, but feeling the Adrenalin still coursing through my veins.  I literally could feel my body vibrating.  I was so tired I could barely speak, but so awake from the buzzing that I couldn’t sleep.  It was a very strange feeling indeed.

But EVEN in that moment, my brain was telling me that I WASN’T doing too much.  “What is wrong with me?  Maybe I’m sick?  This can’t be burnout?  Not me, oh no, I don’t burnout!  Why is my stomach so clenched?  Maybe I have an ulcer?  Maybe I should go to the doctor.”  These were the thoughts running through my brain as I lay in a vegetative state on the couch. I was literally arguing with myself, in disbelief that I was actually just doing too much!  Going too fast!  Trying too hard!

After much back and forth between my egos, I finally decided that maybe, just maybe, I should hold back on the rapid selling that I was doing.

The whole point of this trip, after all,  is to get away from the everyday run around that we are experiencing here in Canada, the perpetual hamster wheel.  Somehow my sub-conscious seems to think that it’s a race to get there.  Like if I just put in all this effort and exhaust myself now, then when I get to where ever it is that I am going, I can finally relax.  But the thing IS, is that I have to get there!  And at the pace I was running, the only place I was going to get to was the hospital!

And I have finally realized that there are no timelines!  Sure, we want to have the house listed by July, and sure we want to leave Powell River by the end of September to mid October, but there really isn’t a specific PLAN, these are just goals that we are working towards.  We don’t have a flight booked, in fact, we are hoping to just fly standby using airline passes from a friend.  There are no hard dates, we haven’t booked a hotel or a hostel for when we get there, we haven’t done anything concrete to make running around like a maniac worthwhile.  Besides, the countries we plan to go to will still be there when we get there.  They will wait for us, I am sure of that.

However, I know that I am not alone in these thoughts.  Planning is a buzz word that inundates our society on a day to day basis.  We are told that we must PLAN for retirement.  In high school we are constantly asked what our PLAN is for education and our future.  We are conditioned to think that we need to PLAN our trips.  I hear people talk about their 3 year plans, 5 year plans and even 10 year plans.

The ludicrousness of this all is that we spend so much time PLANNING and working towards our PLANS, that we forget about the day to day.  The “happening RIGHT NOW stuff”.

What’s happening right now is the ultimate most important moment of our lives.  There is no guarantee that we will make it to “retirement”, or even tomorrow for that matter.  It’s those little moments that are happening RIGHT NOW, that shape our life stories.  What good is life if we are always caught up in what is happening in the future, which isn’t a guarantee anyways?

And so, after literally 2 weeks of recovery, I have resigned myself to slow down, take some deep breathes, and move at a pace that is sustainable.  I would like to enjoy my last few months here in the place I have called home for 11 years.  I would like to see people, engage and connect with my friends, and know that my last few months here were awesome,  not just a panic run around to get nowhere fast!

life-is-what-happens-to-us-while-we-are-making-other-plans

** Thanks for reading!  This is part of a larger group of blog posts about us letting go of all of our possessions to go traveling.  If you would like to read from the beginning, click here.**

To learn about where I have previously traveled, click here.

To see my blog post menu, click here.

January 19, 2017

Published February 6, 2017 by jillamatt

***Jill’s ‘letting go’ Diary***

This is part of a series of posts (ordered by Dated Titles) where I am recording my thoughts and emotions as we tackle getting rid of all of our possessions.  From the day that I came up with this idea, to sell everything and travel the world, I have recorded my thoughts on certain days where I felt like writing.  These are real time, and not edited (except for grammatical corrections.) 

I have started selling stuff quite voraciously on our local Facebook Swap n shop and Buy/Sell/ Swap pages.  I’m only allowed to sell 3 items at once, so I’m slowly picking up stuff and announcing, “This can go!”, then listing it to sell right away.  This will be a constant for the next few months I can see.  I also was reading a blog lately from a couple who sold everything to travel the world a couple years ago.  What she did, was to make a Facebook album of stuff that is for sale, and the prices, then friends can scroll through whenever they like to see if anything interests them.  Sounds like a plan to me.  I’m still waiting to do an official blog post announcement of our plans, before we go gangbusters with selling stuff.

The stuff we are selling right now is literally stuff that we haven’t used, or even looked at, in probably a year or more.  We are also signed up to be part of a “Treasure Sale” in February.  It will be a group garage sale in a rented hall, with higher end items and art.  So, we are saving all of our valuable treasures for that.

Tonight we walked around the house a bit and mourned over the odd item that we didn’t want to sell, but knew that we had to.  It’s going to be a tough road for both of us, this transition.

I sat on the couch afterward and announced tha t “ I am worried that we will sell all of our stuff, and we will get to wherever we are going, and then I will be sad that I have nothing back home.”

Haha, so weird!  This attachment to stuff is a very strange thing indeed.  Never mind that, the attachment to Canada is just as strange!

Chris assured me that there will be lots of stuff to be found when we get to where we are going.  Which, by-the-way has not been decided yet.  The only thing we know so far is that we are headed south, south to the warmth and south to the Spanish.  Chris wants to learn Spanish, and it certainly can’t hurt me to improve upon mine, so we have agreed to head to Mexico or points south to start.

I’ve browsed some rental pages from specific places I have wanted to go to in the past.  For example, towns on Lake Atitlan in Guatemala have furnished one bedroom apartments for rent for $275/month.  Granted that is likely in US$, but still!  Couple that with eating at local markets and buying food to cook, we can live a pretty good life for about $1000/month I’m thinking!  A far cry from the $4000+/month of bills that we have now!  And that’s just the bills!  Never mind food, cat food, toiletries, entertainment, etc. etc. etc.

It’s moments like this, where I realize that yes, this all makes sense.  I constantly need to remind myself that No, I am NOT crazy, and that things will be fine.

Oh boy, yes, this is going to be challenging for sure!

IMG_0522

January 15, 2017

Published February 6, 2017 by jillamatt

***Jill’s ‘letting go’ Diary***

This is part of a series of posts (ordered by Dated Titles) where I am recording my thoughts and emotions as we tackle getting rid of all of our possessions.  From the day that I came up with this idea, to sell everything and travel the world, I have recorded my thoughts on certain days where I felt like writing.  These are real time, and not edited (except for grammatical corrections.) 

Well, we told someone!  Not just one person, but 3.  Last night, at a friends house.  Now, I must admit our two friends that live in the house we were visiting, aren’t just your typical couple.  These guys moved here from Mexico (individually they are from Argentina and Columbia,)  last year at about this time.  They are both internationally recognized artists, and they have both traveled extensively.  I think the reason we wanted to tell them first was because we knew that they would get it.  And, in true predicted fashion, they both hugged us and congratulated us and were genuinely excited for us.  Sandra later told me that she initially thought that I was going to tell her that I was pregnant!  HAHA, not a chance of that!  This is much better news!

So, now that we have told people, we really need to tell our parents.  This cat is going to leap out of the bag in no time, and we really need to let them know what we are up to.  We are both hesitant and a little fearful to share this news with them.  I wonder why that is?  Is it because as kids we know that our parents have certain expectations of us?  They want us to build a life and a career and work hard and retire?  I’m not even sure if that’s it.  For me personally, I am hesitant to tell anyone.  I fear for the back lash.  The opinions, the comments, the rumours!??  Will there be rumours?  We live in a small town.  I suppose that anything is possible.  But why the worry?  Why do I care what other people think about the way I have chosen to live my life?

I think it all goes back to a deep rooted childhood pattern that I adopted early on.  When I was quite young, my parents took me travelling a lot.  For many years we would go to the Caribbean for Xmas and New Years.  There were always trips to Hawaii as well, and many other southern destinations.  I used to have students tease me and make fun of me for the amount of travelling I did.  “Where are you going this time Amatt??”  “Oh why don’t you just go get another nice tan?”  In retrospect, I realize that these comments don’t mean anything, but I made it mean that I better stop telling people about any travelling I do, and definitely should not talk about my achievements and accomplishments in life.  It was easier to just not talk about it, and make sure that people liked me for who I was, rather then what I have done in my life.  HA!  The irony of that is…..well……ironic!  Isn’t what we do in our lives what shapes us to be who we are?  Somewhere along the line, I buried it all.  I didn’t want anyone to know what I had done, and I certainly didn’t need anyone to judge it!

And so, here we are.  Yes, I am still afraid of the judging.  But I am realizing (I can’t say I’ve figured this out all the way) that most peoples reactions, are usually just their own fears being projected onto the other person.  If we tell someone who is scared of travelling and doesn’t ever want to leave Canada, then isn’t it predictable that they will spew some sort of garbage about how we are crazy to leave the safety of Canada and that what we are doing is dangerous and reckless?  Yes, I am already envisioning those conversations.  I’m already building my defense armour to be able to tackle back, if first tackled.

But, it has to happen.  We can’t just up and leave and not tell anyone.  We owe it to our loved ones, to let them prepare for this.  To accept this.  Because this is how it is going to be.

 

%d bloggers like this: