***Jill’s ‘letting go’ Diary***
This is part of a series of posts (ordered by Dated Titles) where I am recording my thoughts and emotions as we tackle getting rid of all of our possessions. From the day that I came up with this idea, to sell everything and travel the world, I have recorded my thoughts on certain days where I feel like writing. These are real time, and not edited (except for grammatical corrections.)
It constantly amazes me at how wrapped up I get in plans. It’s the ultimate clue that I am simply NOT living in the moment, if I am constantly thinking and worrying about the future.
With our upcoming departure from Canada, looming on the horizon, I find myself completely overwhelmed (there’s that word again) with all the things that need to be done before we go. We still need to sell more stuff, clear the clutter, finish renovating the kitchen and sell the house.
It seems like a monumental list of things to do, and I find the more I think about the overall picture, the more I get totally stuck. I’m forever trying to remind myself that slow and steady wins the race.
I’ll be quite honest here, I dam near burnt myself out a couple weeks ago. It wasn’t a full face plant, but I think I caught it just in time, before I completely collapsed under the utter exhaustion of it all. Here I was bragging about my stealthy selling skills ( see my blog post about Overwhelm. Hello?? That should have been a warning!) and how I was in overdrive coordinating all of my pick ups and drop offs of stuff everyday, not too mention being constantly on facebook posting items to sell and making sure that what was purchased was deleted etc. etc. etc. Meanwhile, my adrenals were screaming at me to take a break and relax a little, or a LOT!
I finally collapsed one evening and laid down on the couch, utterly exhausted, but feeling the Adrenalin still coursing through my veins. I literally could feel my body vibrating. I was so tired I could barely speak, but so awake from the buzzing that I couldn’t sleep. It was a very strange feeling indeed.
But EVEN in that moment, my brain was telling me that I WASN’T doing too much. “What is wrong with me? Maybe I’m sick? This can’t be burnout? Not me, oh no, I don’t burnout! Why is my stomach so clenched? Maybe I have an ulcer? Maybe I should go to the doctor.” These were the thoughts running through my brain as I lay in a vegetative state on the couch. I was literally arguing with myself, in disbelief that I was actually just doing too much! Going too fast! Trying too hard!
After much back and forth between my egos, I finally decided that maybe, just maybe, I should hold back on the rapid selling that I was doing.
The whole point of this trip, after all, is to get away from the everyday run around that we are experiencing here in Canada, the perpetual hamster wheel. Somehow my sub-conscious seems to think that it’s a race to get there. Like if I just put in all this effort and exhaust myself now, then when I get to where ever it is that I am going, I can finally relax. But the thing IS, is that I have to get there! And at the pace I was running, the only place I was going to get to was the hospital!
And I have finally realized that there are no timelines! Sure, we want to have the house listed by July, and sure we want to leave Powell River by the end of September to mid October, but there really isn’t a specific PLAN, these are just goals that we are working towards. We don’t have a flight booked, in fact, we are hoping to just fly standby using airline passes from a friend. There are no hard dates, we haven’t booked a hotel or a hostel for when we get there, we haven’t done anything concrete to make running around like a maniac worthwhile. Besides, the countries we plan to go to will still be there when we get there. They will wait for us, I am sure of that.
However, I know that I am not alone in these thoughts. Planning is a buzz word that inundates our society on a day to day basis. We are told that we must PLAN for retirement. In high school we are constantly asked what our PLAN is for education and our future. We are conditioned to think that we need to PLAN our trips. I hear people talk about their 3 year plans, 5 year plans and even 10 year plans.
The ludicrousness of this all is that we spend so much time PLANNING and working towards our PLANS, that we forget about the day to day. The “happening RIGHT NOW stuff”.
What’s happening right now is the ultimate most important moment of our lives. There is no guarantee that we will make it to “retirement”, or even tomorrow for that matter. It’s those little moments that are happening RIGHT NOW, that shape our life stories. What good is life if we are always caught up in what is happening in the future, which isn’t a guarantee anyways?
And so, after literally 2 weeks of recovery, I have resigned myself to slow down, take some deep breathes, and move at a pace that is sustainable. I would like to enjoy my last few months here in the place I have called home for 11 years. I would like to see people, engage and connect with my friends, and know that my last few months here were awesome, not just a panic run around to get nowhere fast!
** Thanks for reading! This is part of a larger group of blog posts about us letting go of all of our possessions to go traveling. If you would like to read from the beginning, click here.**
To learn about where I have previously traveled, click here.
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