***Jill’s ‘letting go’ Diary***
This is part of a series of posts (ordered by Dated Titles) where I am recording my thoughts and emotions as we tackle getting rid of all of our possessions. From the day that I came up with this idea, to sell everything and travel the world, I have recorded my thoughts on certain days where I felt like writing. These are real time, and not edited (except for grammatical corrections.)
Today I have felt the weight of this decision immensely. As I clear our stuff, and sell our things, there is a voice in the back of my mind that keeps asking why I am doing this. It’s a strong voice and it tells me things like “This is all just a phase. You know what you are like, it’s just another distraction. You will never be happy even once you get rid of all your stuff.” It’s kind of like the lingering thought I had the other night that I talked to Chris about. The one where I imagined myself somewhere in Central America, crying because I had sold all of my stuff and now I had nothing.
What is this all about???? Why can’t my brain just leave me alone? Why do I over analyze every thought that comes out of my head? Why can’t life just be simple and easy?
I guess a roundabout answer came to me tonight after I attended my friends meditation group gathering. Everyone had left and we were chatting about this and that. She asked me if it was a secret. THIS? This big thing that we are planning to do. She had sensed that it was something that I wasn’t really okay with sharing and telling people. Here we go again with the worry about judgment. We talked about that for a bit and I made some comment about not being sure what the right answer is about what we are doing or planning. Then she said this: She said that I don’t fit “the mold”, and that she has never seen me as somebody who just lives an ordinary life. And, she said that that is what she admires and loves about me!
So is this it? Is this why life can’t be simple and easy for me? Most times I pride myself on the fact that I don’t like the mundane and ordinary, but there are times where I just wish that it could all be easy. That I would just be content in my house that I have so lovingly crafted and renovated and gardened and painted so that I could be happy to the end of days.
In general terms, I am a happy person. I am always happy for friends who are doing well, going on trips and succeeding in life. I’ve never really compared myself to anyone in particular or wanted to be someone else or have someone else’s life. I admire people, and sometimes think that it would be nice to be able to do this or that that other people do. But I’m not jealous or envious per se.
However it’s moments like this that I feel like I will never find true happiness and contentment. Or maybe this is JUST IT. Maybe I have been trying to find happiness in all the wrong places. Maybe I thought that happiness would be having a home and filling it with stuff or creating a business (lord knows I have created dozens already) and being my own boss. But somehow there always seems to be something better that is just out of reach.
Maybe, just maybe, the letting go of the stuff and the life I have created, will be the answer that I have been looking for.
Maybe, just maybe, I will finally get out in the world and be satisfied with where I am at.
Contentment……that is what I am in search of.
It is out there, I know I can find it.